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I adore the following, in no particular order: knee-
high tube socks, acrostic poetry, and my little
brother. Click here to learn more!
Follow Mélanie on Instagram or read more articles
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50 Dirty Jokes That Are
(Never Appropriate But)
Always Funny
By Mélanie Berliet
Updated September 30, 2019
The Daily English Show
1. What’s the di!erence between a G-spot and a golf
ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel
say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
4. What’s the di!erence between a tire and 365 used
condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
6. What’s the di!erence between a hooker and a drug
dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.
11. What’s the di!erence between a pregnant woman
and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.
13. What’s the di!erence between a Catholic priest and
a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on
your face.
14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in
common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy
boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re
nuts.
16. What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.
19. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.
20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.
21. What’s the di!erence between your wife and your
job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
23. What’s the di!erence between your boyfriend and a
condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and
insensitive anymore.
24. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
25. What’s the di!erence between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
26. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!
27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
28. What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
29. What’s the di!erence between a pick-pocket and a
peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your
snatch.
30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!
31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during
sex?
Call and tell her about it.
32. What’s the di!erence between your dick and a
bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
33. How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.
34. Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.
35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in!
36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
Phil!
37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in
public?
A private tutor.
38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
39. Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
40. How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
41. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies
end up playing with them.
42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
43. What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
44. What do you get when you mix birth control and
LSD?
A trip without kids.
45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
46. What’s the di!erence between a woman with PMS
and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it
came from.
49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
No matter the setting, these 50 hilarious,
unsavory jokes are never entirely
appropriate. But if you’re bold enough to
deliver a punchline, you deserve the laughs
it’ll earn you.
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