to trade for it. It’s good for you.”
“But why have me fix your sink? Why do you even have this thing? I
don’t know shit about this old plumbing stuff. Can’t you do it yourself?”
“I could, but I’m teaching you a valuable life lesson. Never give shit up
for free because if you do, they’ll just keep coming back to you and will
expect more and more.”
“The only lesson I’ve learned today is that my uncle is a colossal prick,”
Tempest said. “Now start talking.”
“Okay,” Quasar said. “Carl fucked shit up. He fucked up a little in the
end and now has a spider stuck in his chest. The end.”
“I swear to the gods old and new if you don’t give me what I want I am
going to tell my father that you said you’re my real dad.”
“Now we’re talking, kid,” Quasar said. “Keep saying shit like that, and
you’ll get far.” He pulled his vape out and took a pull while she clicked the
recorder on her wrist. The recording unit beeped.
“Okay, so. The eighth floor. Supposed to be a bullshit filler floor so the
pricks running all this can drag it out as much as possible and collect as
much tug money as they can. You get me so far? The whole thing of the
floor was they had to collect monster cards to fight with. A bold choice,
honestly. Some people hate that nerd shit, especially when there’s lots of
rules, but I say, whatever. Did you see the tiddies on that Medusa card that
one guy had? Too bad he saw ‘em too.
“Anyway, Donut and Carl got stuck in a place called Cuba, and they
collected several cards. In the end, they ended up with a seal thing; a crab
named Raul; a giant, terrifying cat; this donkey snake thing; a guy named
Uzi Jesus and another guy named Asojano, who both got combined to
another guy named Lazarus. Oh, and he had a card named Alpha Carl that
was really just Carl but with way better hair and a much cooler voice. In the
end, they had to use these cards to fight other card-wielding monsters.
These fights were like a Saccathian orgy. They all started off all organized
with people following the ground rules, but the moment something weird
happened, there was a lot of crying, a lot of bleeding, and a whole lot of
screaming confusion.”
“You know I have to put all this in a school report, right? And what
about the spider? You forgot to mention her.”
“Your teacher is Miss Guss, ain’t it? Yeah, I won’t be saying anything
ol’ Anal Beads hasn’t heard, believe me. Nowadays she can probably turn a
