roommate, and the landlord wouldn’t let me out of the lease
completely, but he did say I could move to a less expensive
apartment. The only available unit in the entire complex was a
studio. A little small, but it’s just temporary, and it’s cheap. I jumped
at the chance and agreed to it sight unseen. Then I found out WHY
this studio was cheap and available—it directly faces one of those
Toilet King plumber billboards. The one where he’s dressed like
Henry Tudor and holding a plunger over a giant poop-filled toilet
bowl? It should be illegal for a billboard to be this close to a building.
It’s like the only person meant to see it is the poor soul who lives in
this apartment—who is now me. Seriously. It’s all you can see. No
sky, no water—just the Toilet King. All day. All night. Lit up when the
sun goes down, it shines through the blinds. I work from home. I am
in hell.
Chad thinks this is the funniest thing that’s ever happened and he
trolls me constantly, despite this being mostly his fault. He keeps
sending me pictures of every Toilet King billboard, bus bench, and
airplane banner he sees, which if you live in the Minneapolis/St. Paul
area, you understand exactly how often this happens.
I’m annoyed, but I decided to try to find a reason to spend more
time outside so I don’t have to stare out my window. I’ve always
wanted a dog, but Chad would never agree to it. So I went to a
rescue and found the ugliest animal there. The one so hideous,
nobody else wanted it. This dog’s got an underbite and mange, and
he’s missing half an ear. He’s a little Brussels Griffon, so he’s got
that deep frown—he looks like a judgmental gremlin. I adopted him
and named him Chad since the dog is now my new best friend. If
you’re reading this, you’re dead to me, human Chad. (Not really, I
still love the guy.) But I tag him in the captions of every Chad the
Dog Instagram post with “Look, a loyal Chad!”
Chad laughs it all off, but Hope is upset and says I should rename
the dog. Chad’s mom agrees and says I’m not allowed to come over
until I change the name, which kind of sucks because she’s my
mom’s best friend and I end up there a lot for family stuff. I’m still not
doing it.
Am I petty? Yes. But am I the asshole?